I'm trying to believe in You

Today will be a pretty short post. It's pretty late and I still have some revision to do.

Yes, one of the subjects that I always had trouble coping with is coming back to bite me in the ass. Guess what that subject is.. It's Chemistry! I still remember failing it for my prelims and thankfully by God's grace and the help of my tutor my combine science did quite well in the end. Frankly, I always have trouble coping with Chemistry and I have no idea why. I've been paying attention in class but I just don't get it. Whatever my classmates can absorb in 1 hour I take 2 hours to absorb. Crazy right? Honestly I feel that I have this natural thing for Mathematics but when it comes to Chemistry, I'm really not that good. I really hope that part of me changes since the things the course that I want to take for now is Bio Medicine and I really need to improve in the area of Chemistry.

Oh well, I'll just do my best and let God do the rest. I believe in God but there's still this part of me deep inside that really doubts the existence of God. There's so much doubt in my heart towards God, whether He will heal me, get me through this year, bless my family etc. Is being doubtful normal? Do you guys feel this way? Even though that feeling is very small it's not negligible and it sort of causes my faith to falter. I guess one of the main factors of this is because I've been praying for about 1 year plus for healing but nothing seems to be happen. I pray before I sleep only to wake up seeing things are still the same. I don't give up, I press on with my prayers in hope that one day they'll be answered but they just don't seem to be. I read this book, Destined to Reign talking about God's grace and I believe it but still grace doesn't seem to fall upon me where I can see it. I'm this kind of person where I have to see to believe, so God if you're seeing this please answer me? Please?

I've been leading the good life in Singapore, always having help but now things are different and I'm enjoying things the way they are. Argh, I'm such a doubtful person! You know they say you hear God speaking to you? I hear this voice inside but everytime I hear that voice, this question pops up in my mind "Is this my imagination?" God is just so supernatural, so impossible, so good so much so that I feel that God is unreal. I need to see something to believe it so if You may, please show me something?

On the other side of the picture, the weather is cold again and upon reflecting I realised that God has answered my desire yesterday. "God please bring the cold back!!" Is this really his doing (I truly want to believe in it) or just mere coincidence. That's the question that came to my mind. I'm starting to feel that maybe the God up there ain't so big after all.

The world is definitely changing, everything morally wrong seems okay now and it really saddens me to see such things happening. For example, God created sex to be within the boundaries of marriage but somehow the world twisted it to appear normal or "not wrong". I pray that I don't get twisted along with this world.

This post ain't long but so much for a short post. Catch you soon!