In Your Freedom

Haha, yesterday was great. For me personally it's almost impossible to stay positive for like more than a few hours. I don't know but it's like after a few hours of positiveness all the negative thoughts just set in.

Oh wells, lecutres have started to get slightly boring. Maybe it's cause they're currently teaching what I've learnt from the extended program already. Sometimes I could just fall asleep during lectures! I hope that this things don't continue this way. On a much brighter note, my life for this past few days have been so full of God's love. I remember there was one night I was so happy that I was so scared that the next day I wouldn't be happy which turned out to be the case after I had a sad dream but things became happy again after that.

You know how everyone has an escape in life? For some it may be exercising or maybe even doing drugs or something. I guess my form of escape would be in music. The music I listen to really affects my mood. I haven't really been listening to Christian music for the past month and when I started listening again, I really felt good.

Alright, I'll be off to do work now. Nothing much to blog about these days.

Adonai

I know this makes me sound like a total jackass but it's only at the low points in my life that I turn to Jesus. It's always at the low points in life where I see how I can't make it without God. Woohoo, I feel like I'm high on Jesus. Haha, it's really so amazing how God can turn any situation into a great situation. My spiritual life is like this cycle, when shit happens I turn to Him and when things are good I forget. That's a really screwed up habit and I hope this time it's different.

When I first came here I was so on fire for Christ then slowly the fire just died out a few weeks later. When you feel the fire of God it really feels so different. Ever since the fire for God died out it's like I've been trying to find my peace in everything else but Jesus. Weird right? Just a few minutes ago in my mind was like, life sucks and now I feel like my life is perfect. Ok, I must sound crazy now but that's really how good the love of God is. I seriously forgot what God's love felt like! The way I'm feeling now is insane. I'm feeling at peace, happy, no negative feelings at all. I wasn't even praying but I just started playing Hillsongs and I could feel the difference. Wow, this is really so so amazing. I'll blog more tomorrow! =]

?

Yay! Lectures have started at last. I sort of don't really like lectures as compared to classrooms cause I'll tend to fall asleep after awhile. Oh well, yesterday was a pretty long day. Played soccer after class yesterday and it was quite fun I guess. There's like no tutorials on the first week of school just like Poly last time.

I'm really thankful for the friends I've made here.

Mr. Positive

I'm back. Didn't really feel like blogging here cause I got this diary where I write in it everyday and it's there where I can say how I really really feel. Well, today was sort of a long day but I won't blog much about it.

In my life I'm just too negative. You know that in all that I do, I'll always assume that the worst case would happen so that I won't get affected by it too badly if the worst does happens. It's like I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst. This mindset has sort of made me a more negative person so from now I'll really change it. I'm gonna start afresh. I'm gonna start each day thanking God for this day He has blessed me with. I'm gonna be thankful for everything that has brought me happiness. I'm not gonna be emo when shit happens. When shit happens, I'll thank God that for his faithfulness that will bring me through it. That's who I wanna be. This negativity has in a way caused me to be less happy. I was talking to this friend the other day and that friend managed to put how I feel in a phrase "You're just unable to fully embrace happiness." Yea, I totally agree with what she said.

This might sound abit weird and stuff but I really just wanna thank God for blessing Darren in my life. If I really stop being so negative, I'll thank him cause he is sort of like this catalyst that made me see how bad it was.

Can't wait for school to start, I know this year is gonna be a different year and I really look forward to what is to come. Chose my electives already, Chemistry, Maths 1 and Maths 2. Thank God for guidance that he's blessed me with through others.

Oh yea, you know the people here are really nice. In my 1 month plus here, I've talked to more strangers here than during my 17 years in Singapore. I was like taking this walk yesterday night, and a group of people came up and asked me if I was depressed and we ended up talking for awhile. Haha, it feels good when you're in a friendlier environment for many obvious reasons. My MSN has some weird problem now which doesn't seem to be going away.

The beauty of every problem is that there will be a solution.

Goodbye for now

This blog is gonna be dead for awhile, I'm not sure how long. Gonna take some time away from this place.

Dancing ducks????

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

Breakeven

Today was the introductory lectures for various subjects. Went for those that I felt that I should go. The lectures here are similar to Poly which means I'll have to have more discipline and not slack off. Played soccer after the lectures and as usual we lost like crap.. We've been losing every team we have played against. Anyway I sort of found my ideal position today which is good thing.

The song Cannonball by Damien Rice is really really meaningful. I remember when I first got the song a few years ago I was like listening to it on repeat for like forever. It's a really beautiful song that really connects to how I feel/felt. Haha, I seriously need to play more soccer or do some physical activity. Tomorrow I think I'm just gonna waste my day away.

I'm really worried that when the main term starts I won't be putting in effort into my studies. There's like this insane pressure on me to do well here. It's not pressure from my mum or what but it's just that I really feel the need to do well.

Shit, this is damn crazy..

Suppose?

I won't be updating today. Haha, don't really have the mood.

Again I go unnoticed

Well, had fun today. After touching down, headed straight back home to put my stuff down before heading out with the guys to city. Went to Melbourne Central to get some stuff. Then we wasted the afternoon at Yarra River and Crown. Took some photos but the internet here is sucky to the point where I'll take a long time to upload them so I'll save them for another day.

Nothing much I wanna blog about today but today was sort of a good day, catching up with everyone and all.

Welcome to my life

Ok, this past few days have been great! Sadly, all good things must come to an end. This 5 days feels so short. Well, spent most of my time with my family today which was great. Let's see, I don't have much time to blog so I'll make this a short one. Went for lunch with my family, then went to collect my permanent lenses. Then my uncle gave a very special wallet. Haha, went to Jerome's house after that to pass him back his guitar. Jerome, thanks for lending me your guitar the past few days. His guitar is very special, sometimes it sounds super nice while other times it sounds hollow. Weird right?

It sucks to leave, but that's life. I'm just gonna go where it takes me.

Can you feel the love tonight

Emotionally I'm feeling really exhausted. It's like I'm settled into the place that I was in but suddenly I have to move out. It's not just moving from Australia to Singapore but vice versca as well. I'm already starting to feel pre-departure depression. It's really a bad bad feeling cause there's like nothing I can do about it. This past few days has passed by real quickly, it feels like just yesterday that I touched down.

Well today I managed to do a few things. Sent my laptop to Sony for repair, then went to get some pens for a few friends back at Australia. Went over to Alex's house after that to talk. Nice try, Jerome I seriously thought it was a dog there. Great catching up with them. Met Alden after that and went over to Daily Scoops for ice cream. In all honesty, the ice cream back in Australia is 10 times nicer then what I've been eating there the whole while. Yeap, soccer at Anfield after that. Quite alot of people came today, and I seriously have to thank God that for the past few days it hasn't rained while playing soccer. Thanks! Today we played till quite late, maybe about 8 plus?

Bussed back with Jerome after that, it's sad to imagine that I'll not be able to bus back with him for the next few months. I mean in the past we used to do that like minimum 3 times a week. The past few years I've been taking so many things for granted, way too many. From my mum, to my brother, to my friends, to almost everything I have in life. Sometimes a part of me feels like I should never have gone over in the first place. Everything would be fine wouldn't it? Things would stay the same. I may have experienced much happiness in Australia but if I didn't go then I wouldn't know that things would happen that way. But then again if I had stayed, 1 part of me would be thinking, 'What happens if I had gone'. That's life isn't it, always bringing more questions, more doubts, more regrets.

One quater of my life has passed by and what achievments am I proud of? Almost nothing, all that I've been doing means nothing to me. Of course the relationships and friendships that I've been built up means so much to me but other than that I can't think of anything else significant.

So much has happened in Australia since I've been gone. From what I've heard, it's like our very own version of Gossip Girl!! Seriously!!

I'll try to phrase how I'm feeling in a sentence, 'I look forward to going back, but I'm not looking forward to leaving.' You can never have the best of both worlds.



The guy next to me is called Yoshi and his soccer is damn good. He was tickling me in the photo though. He's from Japan!!



Finally, a proper photo.



I blogged this a few days ago!!



You see the guy in black shirt? He's from Saudi Arabia I think and his friends are damn good in soccer!

Here are some photos from Melbourne. The first 2 is Chemistry class and the other 2 is Physics class.

Forever young

This was our Physics class, Leon, Dr Fred, Darren, Amos, Me and Venu (From left to right). Physics class is da bomb! Haha, the amount of fun I had with them is insane. From the damn sick talk in class, to the playground madness. Notice Darren acting like a good boy in the picture, God knows what going on in his mind right now! =] KIDDING!! No, but I really had loads of fun with them.

Well today was spent hanging out with my family. Went out with my mum and brother to Bugis. Had lunch somewhere there. Call me weird but somehow I prefer the sushi in Melbourne, I have no idea why. Managed to get some shorts and a pair of sandals. Damn, the sandals are really really comfortable. My uncle and his family came again today. Managed to play Winning Eleven again with him and it never gets boring! For us it's like a way to connect, I honestly think he's one of the closest uncles I have. I feel that I'm closer to him than my father, how ironic.

Well, going for some dinner later. Thank goodness it's Chinese food, I'm sort of missing it. I'll be back to update again after dinner. Dinner seemed more of a chore for me. I was like waiting to go home. You know my mum prefers to eat at restaurants especially since I'm back but not that I'm not appreciative or what I honestly rather our family just order in and stay at home to eat. It feels more homely that way.

Hands down

Hah, Singapore really feels so different from Melbourne and in a bad way. There's this really unfriendly atmosphere which I can feel unlike in Melbourne which has this friendly atmosphere. I would have to admit that the only thing that makes me come back to Singapore is family and friends. Yea but I have to say that I've enjoyed my day catching up with everyone.

Went to run a few errands in the morning before soccer in the afternoon. Alden, Alex, Jerome and Edmund came over first. Soccer was fun though it could have been more fun. I really miss playing with the Anfield bunch. Went for dinner after that with my family and some friends. It's been so long since I had buffet and the food was great. I guess the food that I missed the most while in Melbourne was home cooked food! I'll continue tomorrow, so tired!

It's like I'm screwed up already. I keep on waking at 6:30am everyday and can't sleep after that. Anyway, I'm like trying to keep my 'distance' from Singapore but the more I try the more I can't. I'm afraid I'll feel messed up again when I'm supposed to leave for Melbourne. I really love both places so much and it's like on the plane where I have 7 hours of alone time it can get abit emo at times. I really feel that I've grown really close to some people in Melbourne, really close and I just wanna thank God for the few friendships that he has helped to prosper. I've really managed to open up alot to 2 people. I know all good things will come to and that I'll have to go back to Singapore at the end of the year eventually but it's really urgh.. Ok, I won't blog about this for now.

Anyway life really comes and just hits you from somewhere you can never expect. I mean, anything can happen in life. It's really a good and bad thing but for me it's bad most of the time. It's like when something comes so unexpectedly I'm really left with no clue on what to do and then I'll just have to try and error and when I screw that thing up, it's screwed up. I should really have the do first think later mentality. Of course for those things which I know I shouldn't do I won't even be doing it, you get what I mean? The more I think the more I won't do it so what's the point.

Seeya!

Goodbye

Yea, that's the way I'm feeling now. I'm feeling neither sad nor happy. Currently waiting outside the gate to board the plane. I'll admit, the last time had to leave my family I shed more than a few tears but now I'm surprised that I'm feeling this way, feeling nothing.

Damn, they just changed the gate number and I like had to walk from one end to another. I'm just gonna wait for everyone to get in before boarding. Through out this year I've really lost my fire for God but still i'm gonna commit this entire year to Him. I really just wanna trust in Him and not in my own abilities cause there's only so much that I can do. I'm nothing without him but here I am still trying to make it on my own. I might just board now, blog later.

The flight just got delayed by like 1 hour.. Oh well, this sort of sucks. Do you ever feel like you do not know what you really want. In the end, all the things we own will come to nothing when we die and the thing about life is that we live to die so what's the point of really owning all this when it comes to an end. I'm not the kind of person who lives for the now, I live for the future. I guess some people think that I think too much and stuff but that's just me and I have no idea why I'm built this way but it's not something of me that I intend to change.

Did you hear that the bushfires in Victoria have killed over a 100 people? I was shocked when my friend mentioned it to me. Can you imagine, that's like 100 families losing a beloved each. It's really quite saddenning just thinking of it. I'm not gonna be someone who puts a rose in front of their MSN nick and just live life (No offence if you did that). I rather do nothing if the only thing I'm gonna do is just put that rose there. Guess all I will be doing them is pray for them.

I'm feeling so tired right now, it's quite ammusing to see everyone rushng to board the plane the moment the announcement is made. It's not like the plane will leave without them right? They're like donkeys when you hold the carrot in front of them. Hahaha! I hope that in life I'll never be the donkey.

So much has changed in Australia, I hope the change isn't too bad though. There's like politics here and there and I wanna just stay out of it if possible. I'm still looking forward to getting back though. By now I'm supposed to be like in the air already. See how life plays with you?It's like we're in this Sims game controlled by someone.

Gonna go off now, see ya!

Home

Home finally, feeling pretty mixed about going home initially but it feels good being home at last. This will be a short post. I missed my bed so much. You know my bed in Singapore will have this creeking noise whenever I go on it and I really miss that sound. I miss everything so much, my mum, my brother, my helper, my relatives and even my dad. It was only when I touched down that I realsied how much I missed them all. I thank God that I'm back.

Well, just felt like blogging this morning since I managed to wake up super early so I'll blog before leaving.

Back home

I'm like on the way to the airport right now. You know when they say the grass is always greener on the other side, it's so true. When I first came here I was like I'm waiting for this day to come as soon as possible but now it's a different story. I sort of feel sad leaving Melbourne it's the same exact feeling I felt when I was leaving Singapore. I never imagined that I would be feeling like that. You won't be seeing this post until maybe on Saturday after I surprise my friends in Singapore.

Things have changed so much since I first came here. I've really grown close to my friends over here as in really close. I mean I'm really surprised that I'm even feeling this way.

Well today was on hell of a day. After class, Darren and Amos followed me to Queen Victoria Market to get some stuff for my family and basically a had alot of fun, didn't we? =]

Ok the taxi right now and the window is open so it's very windy. I gotta go soon so I'll blog again soon.

I'm in the plane right now and I'm writing this. 7 hours of me time, well not exactly. There's like this man next to me from South America going to Singapore with his girlfriend and we talked quite abit about Singapore and stuff, he's a really nice guy. You're right man Darren and Amos, all this while when I'm not in conversation with the man I'm like suffering. Damn, I never imagined I'd be like this. I'm missing Australia and the people there so so bad. I hope that when it's time for me to leave Singapore that I won't feel the way I'm feeling right now. I think I'm just going to publish this when I touch down and just screw the plan to surprise my friends in Singapore cause I want to get how I feel off my chest. How could I forget to bring my Singapore phone back.. Damn, you know that feeling before you leave like you feel that you forgot something, I felt that before leaving and just ignored it.

I really love talking to the people next to mr, they're really nice and all and I'm really thankful that they're next to me if not I will go emo or some shit just being alone.

Alright, see you all soon!

Breathing

Hah, Chemistry test was today. I'm pretty dissapointed with my results. It's only an 80% which is really below my expectation. I was really very careless during the paper. I totally forgot to balance the equation after writing it out and in the end all the other answers went wrong! Thankfully the test doesn't count in any assessment or what so I'll try harder next time.

Physics was crazy.. During the break, Amos, Darren, Leon, Venu and I went to the playground to play. We played this dumb shit toy which spins when we stand there and it was damn crazy. If only you can see the video man, you will laugh your ass off. There was like this woman next to us and I bet in her mind she was like wtf. I gotta find that focus I had when I first came here, the desire to really really excel and get what I want. I feel that I've lost abit of it.

Xiong went back to M'sia today so have a safe flight!! Went for pizza and stuff again today. Hmm, other than that nothing much happened today so I shan't blog anymore cause I still have to do my laundry! Seeya

Look forward to failure

Haha, today was a pretty fun day. The extended program is almost coming to a close. Wow, can you imagine 5 weeks zooming past like that. It's just gonna be like 11 more cycles of this and 1 year will past. It's really so hard for me to imagine how fast time will pass. I mean, you only have this much time in life and I've almost reached one quarter of my life. That's 3 more quarters to go! I mean time really passes too fast, it's just like yesterday that I was still in Fairfield. I can still remember almost each moment so clearly in my mind. Throughout this 5 weeks what have I accomplished? I guess that I've really pulled up my socks except for the past few days where I was really off my game and didn't pay attention in Physics. Feeling slightly regretful about not paying full attention but all I can do now is work harder.

Since I didn't pay attention the past few days and the new chapters are related I really have alot to catch up. I'll still have to study when I get back to Singapore. After Physics was the soccer game. We lost 4-1. Damn, we've been like losing every game we play! The team doesn't really have much chemistry yet but I believe they'll do well next time. Hmm, I've really not be focused on God the past few days. It's like that fire for God has died down slightly, like I feel that it's no longer my priority.

I feel that in life I really lack the confidence to do something. It's not that I have low self esteem it's pretty hard to explain. The lack of confidence comes at the moment I need it. Take for instance, soccer. At the moment where I have to fake that person I just don't dare to do it. I guess one of my greatest fears would be failure. I guess I really experienced it too much in all aspects of my life ranging from studies (in the past), girls, and as a person. I'm so flawed in so many ways and the only way to cover them up is through the grace of God which I don't fully rely on. I know God can give me the confidence I need but I have no idea why I'm not turning to him. It's like you know the cure, but you just don't want to use it. Humans are a really weird bunch. In my life I've always got this feeling that failure is coming, somewhere, somehow, sometime and I just don't know why. For the past few years it hasn't been that bad but I remember in my lower secondary school days it really affected me as a person and I changed as a person to hide it up. For those who knew me since young, I'm really sure you can still see the change up till today. Wow, this is so personal.

Anyway I really took a big step of faith and when I go back to Singapore I've got 1 thing that I really wanna do. I'm off to do my work now so I'll see you guys soon!

Plain morning

I tried to blog with my phone but there was some error so I'll just copy the post here.

Ok I've been really off today, wasn't able to pay attention at all during Physics. My mind was like miles away from what the teacher was teaching. Didn't absorb much at all. Yay, they're gonna play soccer after school tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it.

Oh yea, I'm like using my iPhone to blog. Cool huh. I can like use it to go on MSN too though this means more distractions. There's even like this Guitar Hero game on it. My last string for the guitar broke today so I had to change them today. Thankfully I brought some strings from Singapore. If I ever run out there's this music shop nearby which is pretty good.

LOL, Keane is back at Spurs? Wow, 6 months into Liverpool and he's out. Alden, what happened to that Torres-Keane parthnership that was supposed to happen. The 20 mil flop! So many players go Liverpool and screw up although there are those that prosper there. Look at Baros, Kewell, Keane, Pennant, Voronin. They were all supposed to be so good but they ended up at Licerpool messing up. Thankfully Keane knew he was too deep and left on time. Haha, you guys know why I hate Liverpool? It's cause of this guy called Alex.

Healer

When I say "I believe You're my healer, Nothing is impossible for You", do I mean it? Do I really have full faith in the finished works of Jesus on the Cross? Do I really believe?

N'

Liverpool won Chelsea?? Bulshit red card, Gerrard should have gotten one too. Whatever Liverpool fans especially Alex, I rather Man U wins then Liverpool!!

Ok, the weather is starting to get cold again, I like it. It's like hot and then it gets cold again. Well, there isn't supposed to be school on Monday but there was this briefing today about some orientation week. We're supposed to go Sovereign Hills but I've just went there a few weeks ago! Oh well, looks like I gotta go again.

After the briefing, we went to play basketball. Some girls joined us and I think they're better than me at it! Haha, I really suck at basketball. Hopefully I get to play soccer with them at least once before I head back home for a short break.

One thing that I've learnt from my experiences is not to regret. Once you're in, you're in. Once it's done, it's done. Even if you regret what can you do? All regret does is make you feel like crap. I'll definitely try my best not to regret anymore but yet again regret comes naturally right, we can't just say no I won't regret and don't regret. It's only human to regret. My whole life I've been regretting over this and that and almost everything. I'm so sick of that kind of shit and I just want to kick that habit. Regretting gets us nowhere in life.

After basketball and stuff, we went to the city for dinner. There's this restaurant which is quite cool. Starting from 6pm, they make you pay for some dishes according to the time so if it's like 6:00pm, you pay 6 bucks but if it's 6:30pm, you pay $6.30. Cool right, you don't see this kind of stuff in Singapore. The food there is quite good as well, at least better than the food provided by the house..

Can't wait to go back to Singapore, there's so much stuff I want to do and get! I'll blog again soon.

All around the world

Didn't go church today cause I wasn't committed enough to go. We went shopping in city instead. Tried to find a pair of shorts but I couldn't find any! Nothing much really happened today.

I'm feeling so tired now, because for the past few days I've been sleeping so late. There'll be Chemistry test on Thursday so I really gotta buck up. Other than that, life has pretty much been a cycle, a good cycle of course. Don't really have anything much to blog about, no inspiration. It's the Australian Open finals and I watched part of it. I shan't go on any further, feeling tired.