Day to remember, Reconciliation

Whenever I make a resolution, I always fail to keep it. I'm going to make every breath in my life count from now on. I don't wanna take anyone/anything for granted anymore. I want to make full use of my life. I look at my spiritual state now. It's really in a mess. I don't even act like a Christian anymore. I should never have strayed. I guess I just feel very touched by God now. I don't even know why. It's like I can hear him speaking over my shoulder "I'm in control, don't worry." Changes I want:

1) I want to go back to church
2) I want to stop taking people for granted, especially my family and friends and God
3) I want to be able to make full use of my life each day
4) I want to stop hurting the feelings of others

Ok basically this happened today.

I learnt that the loved one of my friend died today. As in really loved one, they really love each other so so much. Let's call my friend A and A's loved one B. It's like A and B are really really a happy couple. But B met with a car accident and died. Thank God that B is a christian though. And their love isn't this kind of puppy love, it's really those kind of love between husband and wife. It's really very saddening for me to see this kind of thing happening. So I sort of got this call and got the news. I really didn't know how to respond at all. My mind was like is it true? At that point in time I really didn't know how to react at all. My mind was in a total blank.

I really don't know why God allowed this to happen. But it really softened my hardened heart till the point where I cried. I could really feel God touching my heart. I don't think I cried because B died but I do feel very sad for him. I could just feel my heart softening and softening.. To be honest, I've really hardened my heart quite alot ever since I've stopped going to church. Of course I didn't intentionally harden my heart but I guess not feeling the presence of God for so long really caused it. I'm not 100% certain but on after thought I really feel that that is God at work. In a way, it's like all of a sudden I saw things that I've already knew but never seen it that way. Suddenly the Sichuan earthquake, the Myanmar cyclone came to my mind. I knew many people died but it never really stood out to me like it was non of my concern. But at that moment I just felt like "Oh my gosh Lincoln, you're damn damn self-centered. So many people are dying and you've been here for the past don't know how many years wasting your life just letting yourself rot." Honestly as I'm typing this I'm really crying like mad. I'm really a failure. I really don't know why but right now, I really feel that it's the work of God softening my heart. It also never occurred to me how sad the people of the victims of the natural disasters were. You know it's like so damn obvious that they'll be sad and the worst part is it never really occurred to me as I was so distant from it. That's how hardened my heart was. To be honest, never once did I feel thankful that Singapore had no natural disasters. It was just sort of a norm to me. And sad to say yesterday I just said "Oh my F***ing God!" I said where no one was around so it's like no one knows and I felt ok about it yesterday. But today that feelings is really killing me. I honestly wish I could take that back. I've really started to lose control of my tongue and it's really starting to hurt God, my family and currently not yet but maybe soon my friends? Thats why yesterday I just quarreled with my mum and it only occurred to me as a big thing today. Almost all this thoughts came to me just TODAY so you can imagine how cold I've been on the inside.

I really feel very sad for A. I don't know B personally but I DO KNOW THAT HE SHOULD NOT HAVE CAME TO SUCH AN ENDING but it happened. I really want to dedicate this day as the day I come back to Christ. And really, if B hadn't had passed on I'm not sure whether the day where I rededicate my life to Christ would have come so I know not many people would read this, I want to thank B so so much.

Dear B, you might never read this. But I really want to thank you so much. I really wish you didn't have to pass away like that but it happened. I don't know you personally but I do know that you are a great person. I wish you all the best in heaven and you'll forever be in my heart. You know, if you had not passed on today, this might not have happened to me at all. I don't know how to put it but in a way, God used your death to bring me life. There's nothing I can do about your passing on but I will definitely not let you die for nothing. (I didn't know how to phrase the previous sentence in a better way so it may make me sound like a bad guy but I hope you get what I mean?) B, if not for you today wouldn't have happened in this way and I will definitely try my utmost best to grow strong in Christ. I know you would want A to be happy and move on and I hope that as A says A's final goodbye to you, you'll let her know how much you love her and I can assure you though at times it may not appear that A loves you, I can promise you that she loved you so so much. Enjoy your time in heaven, B. Cheers!

God, I really hope that I won't stray from you ever again. Sorry for all the sins I've commited. Love you.

I finally know You do everything for a reason.