Look forward to failure

Haha, today was a pretty fun day. The extended program is almost coming to a close. Wow, can you imagine 5 weeks zooming past like that. It's just gonna be like 11 more cycles of this and 1 year will past. It's really so hard for me to imagine how fast time will pass. I mean, you only have this much time in life and I've almost reached one quarter of my life. That's 3 more quarters to go! I mean time really passes too fast, it's just like yesterday that I was still in Fairfield. I can still remember almost each moment so clearly in my mind. Throughout this 5 weeks what have I accomplished? I guess that I've really pulled up my socks except for the past few days where I was really off my game and didn't pay attention in Physics. Feeling slightly regretful about not paying full attention but all I can do now is work harder.

Since I didn't pay attention the past few days and the new chapters are related I really have alot to catch up. I'll still have to study when I get back to Singapore. After Physics was the soccer game. We lost 4-1. Damn, we've been like losing every game we play! The team doesn't really have much chemistry yet but I believe they'll do well next time. Hmm, I've really not be focused on God the past few days. It's like that fire for God has died down slightly, like I feel that it's no longer my priority.

I feel that in life I really lack the confidence to do something. It's not that I have low self esteem it's pretty hard to explain. The lack of confidence comes at the moment I need it. Take for instance, soccer. At the moment where I have to fake that person I just don't dare to do it. I guess one of my greatest fears would be failure. I guess I really experienced it too much in all aspects of my life ranging from studies (in the past), girls, and as a person. I'm so flawed in so many ways and the only way to cover them up is through the grace of God which I don't fully rely on. I know God can give me the confidence I need but I have no idea why I'm not turning to him. It's like you know the cure, but you just don't want to use it. Humans are a really weird bunch. In my life I've always got this feeling that failure is coming, somewhere, somehow, sometime and I just don't know why. For the past few years it hasn't been that bad but I remember in my lower secondary school days it really affected me as a person and I changed as a person to hide it up. For those who knew me since young, I'm really sure you can still see the change up till today. Wow, this is so personal.

Anyway I really took a big step of faith and when I go back to Singapore I've got 1 thing that I really wanna do. I'm off to do my work now so I'll see you guys soon!